Wanting To Be Left Alone....

I don't know how I've managed to stay in this house. Right at this moment, I should be out of here. Just walkinng out. Every time I open my mouth, there's some comment of disapproval on my mother's part. But then again, why should I care about what she says? I aways say I don't care, but suppose that's just another façade that I want to get rid of. I want it to be *true*. I really want to not care. Why can't she just leave me be? Every day I get closer and closer to the edge, and it's a place I've been to far too many times, and I don't want to go back....

Things I Just Can't Say

There are so many things I just can't say. I can't ask for help. I'm done doing that. Just...done. I want to be done. Completely. But all the while, my mind is screaming "Help me, I'm falling." And I am. I know it, I can feel it. Every second of every hour of every day. But I could never say it.

Every time I've tried asking for help, the mental health system either fucked me over, or completely ignored me. It's completely hopeless and I know it. I'm a wreck....It gets worse day by day....The damage is done and nothing can fix it. I know that; I have accepted it. That's really all that I can do about it. And I'm just...done. It's too much now. Life is getting more and more unbearable. I hate how I feel. I hate who I am.

I want you to hate me. Everyone. Just so you can let me go. Just...let me go.

Ever since elementary school I've wanted to walk the Earth, unseen, free. Alive, there is no true freedom. And life costs so much, and so does death (initially), but who pays for it is another story. Why have I failed so many times at taking my own life? Why am I still here? I just want to be free....I've done so much for so many people; people I don't know, people I do know. Is it not enough? Will it ever be enough? Sometimes I truly wonder if I'm immortal because of how many times I've failed. I don't know how many suicide attempts, or suicide gestures. But I do know it's been more than twenty.

I don't want help anymore. The only help I want is getting out. And not out of where I am. I want out of *life*. It is just too much. I can't handle it or myself. Cutting is getting worse. It gets better, then worse, then better, then worse. It's useless saying I'm going to stop now because every time I try, I can't. It's become my addiction. An awful one. I want to stop. I do. But I don't know how. And I can't ask for help. And I won't. I just can't do this anymore....

Unable to Speak

I don't really know how to talk to people right now...even my friends. Life just hurts to much, but I have to here for everyone. I've always felt that I'm the one everyone goes to, but I never really had anyone to go to when I needed someone. Now that I have people to go to, it just feels...awkward. I'm rather hesitant to go to them, only because I'm so used to not talking about things. But even having people to go to when I need to talk about something, to help me work through something, somehow I still don't feel as if I have anyone I can go to so I can celebrate the good things that happen. Even if good things haven't been happening lately. Or maybe they have and I just can't see them. I'm sure they have but they're just so small I can't see them...but I want to see them. I'm just so stuck on all the shit that's been going on. It's so hard not to be, though. Though that's really no excuse....

Okay. I'm going to force myself to find a few good things that have happened as of late. I got two new mice; Riku and GIR. I also got a new camera. And I made a new friend who lives very close to me. I've also been reconnecting with old friends that I've missed a lot.

I suppose there really is a lot more good going on than I realize. It's just not happening as much as I'd like, but I really can't control that. Not that I want to deal with shit, but the more bad that happens, the more I'll appreciate the good, right?

And concerning the emancipation, I think it's best for me if I get out of here...I feel awful for leaving Jennie, but being here is all around bad for me. Stress levels are getting higher and higher and the headaches are getting worse and worse.

Emancipation vs. Jennie

I've been trying so hard to get out of here. Living in this hellhole of a house is just bad for my health. I'm sick of the meds that I don't need, my mom's utter insanity, my brother's death threats, everything. It's very obvious that I can handle being out on my own because I've always had take care of myself (for the most part) for as long as I can remember. Anything I do or don't do gets me yelled at. And so I decided that I want to get emancipated.

But then there's Jennie. I can't leave her here alone. She only 10 and my mom and Jim will surely be getting married soon. Even if Jennie and I aren't related by blood or marriage yet, she's my little sister. I care about her far too much to let Jim abuse her again. I didn't know her when he did this, but I heard from her step-sister and her that it happened, and I'm highly inclined to believe her.

I absolutely hate it here, but I can't leave Jennie alone here. She doesn't trust easily. In the van the other day she had her hands in her lap and her head in her lap, as well. I notice even the most miniscule details and watched her to make sure she was okay. I wouldn't believe she was even if she told me because she doesn't tell the truth about that sort of thing, not that she means to lie. I put my arm around her shoulder and stroked her hair, then just rested my hand on her shoulder. Later I saw that she wasn't crying, but I know something was wrong. Though I don't know what....

Still, I know it's going to be rough here. It always has been. And things may get better, and they may get worse. I can only try to be optimistic. But I need to be here to protect my little sister, even if it means sacrificing my sanity.