Things I Just Can't Say

There are so many things I just can't say. I can't ask for help. I'm done doing that. Just...done. I want to be done. Completely. But all the while, my mind is screaming "Help me, I'm falling." And I am. I know it, I can feel it. Every second of every hour of every day. But I could never say it.

Every time I've tried asking for help, the mental health system either fucked me over, or completely ignored me. It's completely hopeless and I know it. I'm a wreck....It gets worse day by day....The damage is done and nothing can fix it. I know that; I have accepted it. That's really all that I can do about it. And I'm just...done. It's too much now. Life is getting more and more unbearable. I hate how I feel. I hate who I am.

I want you to hate me. Everyone. Just so you can let me go. Just...let me go.

Ever since elementary school I've wanted to walk the Earth, unseen, free. Alive, there is no true freedom. And life costs so much, and so does death (initially), but who pays for it is another story. Why have I failed so many times at taking my own life? Why am I still here? I just want to be free....I've done so much for so many people; people I don't know, people I do know. Is it not enough? Will it ever be enough? Sometimes I truly wonder if I'm immortal because of how many times I've failed. I don't know how many suicide attempts, or suicide gestures. But I do know it's been more than twenty.

I don't want help anymore. The only help I want is getting out. And not out of where I am. I want out of *life*. It is just too much. I can't handle it or myself. Cutting is getting worse. It gets better, then worse, then better, then worse. It's useless saying I'm going to stop now because every time I try, I can't. It's become my addiction. An awful one. I want to stop. I do. But I don't know how. And I can't ask for help. And I won't. I just can't do this anymore....